Lessons for Life!

Things happened so fast that I did not even have enough time to sit back and write anything that crossed my mind. A month is already passed since I returned to New York and it was a month full of many events. As usual, I did nerdy things, stupid things but more than that, a lot of fun things. My friends visited NYC, and I had the best week in NY ever. Each and every moment, every incident will be in my mind forever, some being really hard to share though.

Looking back, I feel, that this one week has changed all our lives. Some ended up in ecstasy, some in disappointment. Some in confusion, and some feeling relieved. Some relationships built up, some broke up. We laughed and we cried too. I personally had a bit of all above. It was simply a week of everything. But, now that it is almost a month past this "week", we still see some aftermath of it. Trying to keep up with the built relationships, or to re-build the broken relationships, or acting like "Go to Hell", we all are still "living" in that week.

It was just a matter of a week, but it taught me lessons for a life time! Life is simply amazing. You never know when a storm will come and destroy all what you built, or when an angel comes and fixes everything by the time you wake up in the morning. Things can happen in a flash of a second. And they have the power to haunt for the rest of our lives, whether it is something we will like or not. Everything you do, every word you speak, will take you to a new path of life and you will never know where that path will end up in.

It was just one week, but with all what happened around me in one week, and seeing all the aftermath, I learnt my lesson - I learnt to let go; learnt to keep going; learnt to keep smiling =)


By D.R. De Silva

The Confession

Sometimes, it is good to be lonely. It gives time for you to think of yourself. To breathe the open air, to eat as you like and to zip a cup of hot coffee while watching your favorite movie.

It has given me the time to re-think about me and my desires about life. Like all the other girls, I had the common dream, to have a family of my own, to have babies and lots of love. Within that fancy dream, there was always the self confident woman who wanted to earn money for herself, and not for any other. I wanted to become a business woman; I dreamt to be a diva. I yearned to publish my own book. Somewhere in this life, I have lost that dream. May be I didn't try, but the closest truth was I was risk averse. For all the other things in my life, I took all the risk, but in chasing my own dream, I was scared. When it was the time to choose my path, I took the risk of doing maths, because I saw everyone else failing in that. Then I took the risk of quitting my job without having one in hand, but I was lucky enough to fill my CV with the next job. I took the risk in love. But why didn't I take that risk in making my own dream come true?

Sometimes I was scared of humiliation. I was scared that people would laugh at my writing. I was scared that people will laugh at my failed love, and I was scared that I would make my parents ashamed. I had the fear of losing the money my parents earned, in trying to start my own business. I was scared of debt. But more importantly I was scared of failing.

The biggest mistake I did was that I tried to be in something that someone else was successful at. I once thought of being in interior designing. But how could I be in such a business of which I don’t know anything about? Then I wanted to learn it, but stepped back because the cost was high and I was scared of debt, again! Foolishly I once thought of joining the media, when I had the craze about the SSS campaign. When I wrote all the articles and did interviews about Pradeep, I thought that was my passion, I was wrong. One of my uncles then asked me to start a ‘Rent a Car’ business. It remained in thoughts because of the crazy fear about so called DEBT somewhere in my mind, haunting me over and over again.

What am I doing now? I am stuck in something that I never dreamt of, in something which is not my passion, something that I have no love about. I clearly know that this is not what I deserve. The girl, who passed out from the university four years ago, didn’t deserve this little salary and a second class job. She deserved something extra ordinary, something way better than this. But that girl is lost in this scary and foolish woman who is a total failure.

I am not sure where I went wrong. I am still in the exact same position where I was four years back. The same salary and the same position, and may be even less respect. I know I have failed. I have failed in chasing my own dream; I have failed in my life, in my eyes. May be the only win was my adorable husband, in which I sort of took a big risk.

I still have those fancy dreams in my heart, shivering to come out. I need to make my dreams come true; I have to make them happen. But I am still trying to escape from this fear, and in this loneliness and while fighting to get away with it, I might find my strength, the strength to pursue my life’s dream, each and every one of them.



By D.R. De Silva

The New York Sky

I am by the East River at Manhattan. I have no idea what it is really; I don't know where it comes from or where it flows to; I don't know if it is of any historic importance. But it sure does calm my mind.

It's almost the end of Winter, but the nature still holds the cold weather and the cold breezes. The river seems so deep at this point that I don't see what it holds underneath. I don't know if it is enjoying the light blue sky which looks so beautiful in this warm sunny day. All I see at this point is the smooth waves flowing in the direction of wind. Sometimes I hear the silent weep, and sometimes I hear the loud laughter, of the deep East river.

I started sinking in my own thoughts, which naturally happens when you are by a beautiful river or sea. Our lives are like this - the river. Sometimes you don't see what is inside, and at some points it is so clear that anyone could see what is deep down. All what it does is flow, flow and flow, until you meet your destination. And may be still flow.

There are light posts by the side of the walkway. They must have been standing here for years, through countless winters and summers, might be resembling certain things on our lives, which remains unchanged throughout the generations, like love, tradition or culture. There will be a certain day when they start falling down, but I am sure there will be new light posts - may be even more beautiful, replacing the old ones. Revolutions may happen; there may be a time when the river is blocked its way at this point, but it sure will find another way of flowing into the sea. I smiled to myself.

The sun still looks bright, but it can not hurt me as I am covered by a number of tall buildings. A guy with a cam just passed by, may be he thinks of me as a professional writer - I could guess it as he took a picture of me at a distance. Deceived! There are cute doggies passing by, who are accompanied by their loved masters coming for a walk here. I think it is time for me to take my leave from here.

The New York sky - bright and nice. I have never seen it this clear. May be we all have to come out one day and breathe in open air, to see how nice this life is!

By D.R. De Silva

Loving You

“I love you. I am who I am because of you. You are every reason, every hope, and every dream I've ever had, and no matter what happens to us in the future, everyday we are together is the greatest day of my life. I will always be yours."
— Nicholas Sparks (The Notebook)

Love – is the greatest feeling you could ever hold. Everybody loves some other one. And they all think that their love is so special and the greatest of all. But for the rest of the world, it is just another ordinary relationship. So is mine, the love between me any my adorable husband. To the world, we are just another married couple. We didn’t have a long lasting love story; we didn’t have the so called terrible obstacles in our story; we are not coming from famous families to be spoken about. But for me, it is very special. It is the most precious thing in my life.

It is a miraculous feeling, that I think everyone should feel in their lives. They day I realised that I am being loved - I remember the dazzling feeling I had in my mind. It was amazing. When I heard the three words 'I Love You', I was on top of the world. I was not the first to hear those words, I was not the only one to be loved, I was not being loved by the most handsome or the richest guy in the world, but it was the best thing to happen to me - ever. I should admit that it doesn't give me only smiles. It does give me tears, it does make me hurt, but knowing that it's all because of love, I feel more comfortable. There was this friend of mine - Lasandi - who once told me, that the right match for me would not only complete me, but also would complement me. She was absolutely right. I am definetely feeling complete with you, and you being besides me adds more value to this person too, bringing out all the good within me. This is why your love is so special.

Every morning I wake up smiling, turning to see you next to me. You are so kissable and adorable. I look at your sleeping eyes, and smile again, because those eyes belong to me. I feel like cuddling to you again, because your warmth gives me a sense of protection. I play with your hair, and it gives me some kind of a motherly feeling, and it holds the smile in my lips. Then when you take me to your arms, I smile again. I am loved! I must have told you thousand times that I love you, and I will be telling you million more times, yet not enough to finish expressing my self. I want to keep on saying those three little words over and aver again, but they don’t carry the feelings I have for you correctly.

Life will go on. You and me will also grow old. Still, my dream about you will remain the same. It is the ordinary dream every man and woman would have. It's a dream of a perfect day to zip a cup of tea with our grand children around us - to tell them the stories, and still to hold our hands and kiss good night. I need you in my life, at each and every step I take, so that I am not afraid of falling down. I want you to have that smile on your face and tell me you love me every morning, so that my day is gonna be so good. I need you to listen to all the crazy things I talk at least with a hum. With all that, I need you to share your sorrows and grieves with me. I promise to be what you want me to be, every possible time. I promise to be with you and love you; to love you until you feel the last breathe I take.

“In times of grief and sorrow I will hold you and rock you and take your grief and make it my own. When you cry I cry and when you hurt I hurt. And together we will try to hold back the floods to tears and despair and make it through the potholed street of life"
— Nicholas Sparks (The Notebook)

By D.R. De Silva

People in Our Lives...

"People come, people go – they’ll drift in and out of your life, almost like characters in a favorite book. When you finally close the cover, the characters have told their story and you start up again with another book, complete with new characters and adventures. Then you find yourself focusing on the new ones, not the ones from the past."
— Nicholas Sparks (The Rescue)

Yes - People come into our lives. Sometimes they just happen to come in, at some phase in our lives, do some kind of change and they go. We some times ask some people to come into our lives, although thy never intended to. And then when they go, we cry and do all the drama we can, trying to take them back in our lives. We just don't realize that they never had the thought of peeping into our lives, but we. This should be the story of many of us, isn't it?

When such people 'visit' our lives, they just take all the advantage of the 'invitation' we did. They have no idea about our emotions, and even if they did, they would not just care. We don't understand that this is just a visitor on our invitation and we start thinking them as a part of our lives, just because we, in mind, think we want them in our lives so badly. The worse part is that we sometimes tend to think it is "Love"!

But no visitor would stay with us forever. They have their own lives, they have to be with the people they are supposed to be with. So they go back. Then here comes the drama! We keep thinking the times we spent with this visitor. We would think about the similarities we had together and keep wondering why they had to go back to such people who don't share things in common. We sometimes do all the crazy stuff in the world, to get that visitor back in our lives. Just get out of your frame of yourself, and look at some one else doing all these things, and you will realize that is hilarious. Sometimes, there could be some one who is trying to get YOU in their lives, doing all the possible things he/she can - but you know that you are not supposed to be there, and you never want to! But in their minds you are everything for them. Funny - isn't it?

Yes - it is funny, and when you are in the same drama, then it is funny for others too. So stop it! Stop being the drama to the world. Stop inviting people who do not wish to be there in your lives.

Then there is this other kind of people who are supposed to be in your life, waiting for you to open the door for them to step in. Sometimes you keep the door closed after the visitor leaves, that you don't know that there is someone out there waiting to come into your lives. Sometimes you know there is someone, but you just don't care and keep on with your 'drama'.

But do believe - believe that there are people who are supposed to be in your life. They are there for a reason. It is OK to let people visit in, but if they want to go, then just let them go. And just be open and be yourself. Don't be the funny thing to the world.

You might know that different substances have their own boiling point, or freezing points, depending on their internal properties. You too are such a substance. You have your own timing for things to happen. Don't let yourself down if you see someone else has found their "special someone", just wait until the right time for you.

Yes - you just have to keep your mind open. Be brave, be passionate. Believe - that you are supposed to be happier, and do believe that the best is yet to come. (",)

By D.R. De Silva

Notes from New York - September 2010

It was too cold and I was looking for my hubby next to me to be cuddled to him, and it was so disappointing to find him not there beside me. No one was there! Its 12.15 am September 19th and it took some seconds for me to realize that I am thousands of miles away from my family, and my loving hubby. And it reminded me that I am not going to sleep in his warmth for another 6 months. Oh no! I can’t live like this! I want him; I want my family around me. I felt that my cheeks were being wet, but there was no one to wipe those tears off my eyes. I was crying!

That night was long, may be because I had so many things to remind and so many reasons to keep myself awake. I was missing the warming cuddle of my hubby, and I was missing my mom who was always with me throughout. The only thing which kept me busy was counting the days, and weeks until the day I would leave to meet my family again. I have to stay for another 5 and half months; meaning another 22 weeks and that is 154 days! Oh god! It is a long time!!! And then here comes another flow of tears!

New York!!!!
Concrete jungle where dreams are made of
There's nothing you can’t do



I was tired after a 4-hour flight followed by another 15-hour flight to get to New York – as they say, there is nothing you can’t do in this city. But I doubt if I can get my hubby here this moment. I logged in to internet to check if anyone was online. But my hubby was too busy with work to be online and no one was logged in from home either. I was all alone!

I hardly remember the time I woke up in the morning, but I know that it was only a nap I had that night. I was afraid if anyone next door would have heard me sobbing, but again – no one would mind what you are doing here, any one would just not care!

The song started to haunt my mind again…

These streets will make you feel brand new,
the lights will inspire you,
Let's hear it for New York..

Hear what? This hurting noise of vehicles? That is all what I hear now, and it was another reason for not having a good sleep. It took my memories back to my home where I always had a peaceful and quiet sleep, which I will not be having for the whole year ahead. I realized that I am starving without having to eat anything since I stepped into my room and it has been more than 12 hours by then. Thanks to my mom who put a packet of sugar in my bag in the last minute, I could make myself a tea. Is this going to be my next year like? Will I be this alone for the coming whole year? There were so many questions running through my mind, but there was one answer for all of them – YES!

Zipping my tea, I was thinking about what life is all about. Some incidents from my recent past flashed through my mind in that second. My life has always been full of a lot of smiles and some tears. If I had been offered this opportunity an year ago, this moment would have been much more different. But I like my today, because I am proudly married to a person who taught me about responsibilities, who taught me how to stay in limits, and more importantly who taught me how to dream about tomorrow.

I opened the window. It is cold, much colder than I have ever felt. It was the start of Fall, and I know that coming days would be even more colder. I will have to get used to this now. I will have to start try walking on snow too. It’s going to be a very long year for me. I am already missing my love and my family. I know there would be many more nights I will be spending awake like this; there would be many more days I would be managing with only a tea. But, with all what I know about life, I know that this difficult time will sure pass by. It might be slow, but sure will end.

I closed my eyes again. I love you sweetheart; I am going to meet you in my dreams.

By D.R. De Silva

The Letter from Juliet

"WHAT and IF are two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together side by side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life.
I don't know how your story ended, but if you felt then was love, then it's never too late. If it was true then, why wouldn't it be true now?
You need only the courage to foll...ow your heart. I don't know what a love like that feels like... a love to leave loved ones for, a love to cross oceans for... but I'd like to believe if I ever felt it. I'd have the courage to seize it"
Quoted from the move, "Letters to Juliet".

The question that has been miming in my mind - "If it was true then, why wouldn't it be true now?". It made me think again, of what I have always been thinking for so many years.

A truth is something which would last forever, something which remains with all the changing myths. It is true, that once a truth is always a truth. That is why we call is as such. Juliet was right. If it was true then, it should be true now too.

Few years back - I mean, since 11 years back - I thought that my love for him was true. I thought it was true enough to make him love me too. Whenever a tear fell down from my eyes, I also had a smile thinking I am crying because of a true love. I had this pride in my head, thinking that I was holding some true love in my heart, that many of others didn't. If it was true then, why shouldn't it be true now? Oh! It's horrible! It isn't true any more....!!!

Then I realise now - may be it was not true then as well. May be it was all fake. May be I was watching too much of movies - that I pretend myself to be some Chandramukhi.

Yes - It was all false. It was just a mistake. Was it? I don't know. But it is not true any more. I do not have any of the feelings for him that I had years ago. I do not have WHAT and IF together anymore, to haunt my mind. I don't have WHAT's any more, neither any IF's.

The truth was that I was to be loved by someone special, and it remains the same. I am to be loved by the special someone - the person who I cherish the most.

Juliet - I have a question for you. What-if the love you had for Romeo was not true? What-if you killed yourself for the wrong person? Give me an answer....


By D.R. De Silva